Relationships are hard. Plain and simple. There are no cheat codes to substitute for the hard work that goes into a healthy relationship. Communication in your relationship is the most challenging of them all. You must be able to really understand and hear your partner speaking from the heart and mouth. It’s deeper than just “listening”. Personally, I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 12 years, not including the four-year break we took. I believe taking that break persevered our relationship for when we came back together. We needed that space. It was the best thing we ever did. I am 32. We have seen it all. Our relationship was particularly easy because we were inseparable and best friends. It was also difficult because we were maturing at different rates and were at different places in our lives. For us, communication might as well have been in French. How could we get along so well but have difficulty understanding each other? The complicated part is trying to understand how someone (who isn’t you) communicates. Follow these 3 life changing tips to change how you communicate in your relationship.
1. Be quiet!
It seems contradictory to offer a solution of silence when talking about communication but it’s vital. It’s natural for us to respond from an angle of defense. We are usually silent while we gain our points of defense together. We are silently waiting to pounce. I challenge you to be silent for 3-5 minutes while your partner speaks. Hold back your hesitation to jump in and defend yourself and provide valid points. Really listen to them. Look for their body language cues and eyes. Sometimes, we are saying one thing but feeling another.
When you really love someone, you want to be the best part of their day. You want to show them just how much you love them. You do that by really listening. You do that by implementing solutions to the concerns that really weigh them down. Even if it was never your intention to hurt or affect them, it’s still your duty to do the work and make improvements. At the end of the day, isn’t this the person you are working into your future? Their concerns should feel like your concerns. A lot of relationship hardships can be improved by taking the first step and being quiet. My best relationship advice is to be quiet and listen with your heart.
Practice a listening strategy with your partner: Each of you will take turns speaking for five minutes, while the other listens intently. If you are the one listening, the challenge is to not think about anything while your partner speaks. You should be watching body language and listening from a place of compassion. You should be listening with your heart, not your head. If you are the one speaking, you should not be accusatory. You should speak with the understanding that this person loves you and needs to hear what you need and want.
2. Be honest!
When you have a strong bond with your partner, you can feel when something isn’t right. This leads to more apprehension. It opens the door to relationship fights and misunderstandings. Be honest and expect honesty. I despise lying. At this point in my life, I feel that lying is a weakness. Lying means you are afraid of the consequences so you don’t tell the truth. Love someone enough to be honest. Love them enough to work through whatever the truth is or means. I try to remove any type of dishonesty in my life. Be honest in whatever form that may be.
Also, make sure to say what you really mean. Especially, us women, we can set up a few barriers for our partners to try to dissect what our true intentions are. Tell him/her how something positively or negatively impacts you. For example, when you (fill in the blank), It really makes me feel like (fill in the blank). Hopefully, if your partner is implementing listening strategies they should be actively working to listen to your with their heart. Honesty should be at the core of your life and relationship.
3. Find peace within yourself
I know this may seem unrelated but believe me, it’s not. When you have internal peace you are less agitated by someone else’s actions. You understand that we are all a working progress. No one, no matter how pulled together they appear, has it all together. We all have baggage that we are hopefully learning to unpack.
Pre-25 Carisa was so much different. I was dealing with so much internal turbulence and growth that I couldn’t listen if you paid me to. I felt as though all of my opinions were the most important. I wasn’t listening with my heart. I was listening with my sometimes aggressive and boisterous mouth. I meant well. I think it’s important to understand that we are all constantly evolving and be kind to ourselves and those around us as we transition. You have to be honest with yourself and realize your contributions to the fights/disagreements and lack of communication. It’s never one-sided. Be accountable for yourself and all YOUR actions. Too often, we look for faults in our partner but never reflect on ourselves.
Bonus: Set Relationship Goals. Not Instagram relationship goals but real actionable goals for yourself to improve your relationship. What is one thing you could do now to improve on one of your partner’s concerns? For any relationship to work we have to be brave enough to do the work on ourselves, first. If not, you will always move from one failed relationship to the next.
You need to have personal growth goals that will ultimately make you a better person for all of those around you. You shouldn’t be exactly the same person 5-10 years later or even one year later. Pinpoint how you have overcome challenges and what you currently handle differently. For example, I rarely argue anymore. I don’t like anything that doesn’t promote a peaceful and positive environment. Pre-25 Carisa would have loved to argue you down with witty punchlines and aggressive perspectives. I am proud of my progress. My fiance’s personality is more reserved than mines. I like to think that I am his inner spirit animal. Initially, that was a barrier in our communication because he doesn’t like to raise his voice or argue. I had to learn how he communicates and make the necessary changes.
We both have grown so much. We are imperfect people who have found the healthy sweet spot in our relationship. Find the sweet spot in your relationship. You both deserve that! I can guarantee if you implement these 3 tips, your relationship will drastically improve. Did you try the listening strategy? If so, let me know your thoughts. Do you have any other suggestions that have worked for you? Do you any questions? Let me know! I would love to hear from you.
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As always Fear Less, Love More, and Drink moderately. 🙂
